Positive Psychology suggests that how we deal with each other’s good news may be more important than how we deal with problems and crises. That’s right. Celebration trumps Commiseration.
Your spouse comes home and announces they have received a raise. Do you say:
- A – “That’s nice. Dinner ready?”
- B – “Fantastic. Tell me all about it. What did your boss say? How did this come about?”
- C – “About time. Everyone else in your department already got one. You have to be the last.”
- D – “Oh. Have you seen my car keys?”
The award goes to B the Active Constructive Response – the one in which you actively and constructively encourage your spouse to elaborate on the event and savour the details. Spend a little time enjoying what went right.
One point for A the Passive Constructive response in which you acknowledge the good news and then quickly move onto whatever is important to you. Zero for D the Passive Destructive Response in which you ignore the event before moving onto your own concerns. Minus one for C the Active Destructive (need I say more?).
Most of us are unaware how often we employ these relationship-destroying techniques. We’re all busy and heaven knows, humans are self-centred creatures at the best of times. To help us become more conscious of our default response, Chris Peterson’s has developed the “But-Free Day“. He calls this Active Constructive Responding Light. When interacting with others, he encourages us to go an entire day without employing the word but, or any of its kissing cousins including however, whereas, yet, although, on the other hand, alternatively…
Simply becoming more mindful of how often we rain on others’ parades can be very instructive. We are then in a much better position to pause and take a few extra minutes to celebrate life’s little triumphs and joys. It’s so easy to let the little disasters and irritations take center stage in our consciousness and conversation. Instead, let’s have a But-Free Day.